She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
