Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
