I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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