Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
