I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
