I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Randomize
