guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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