I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
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