it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
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