i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
