I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Randomize
