Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
