I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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