I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
Randomize
