I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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