Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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