I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
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