bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
If I had your ass I would rule the world
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
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