that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
