Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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