Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
Did I show you my penis last night?
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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