my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
