shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Randomize
