i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
