seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Randomize
