How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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