i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
