Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
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