I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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