he puts the penis in happiness.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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