Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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