Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Randomize
