she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
