you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
