I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
