Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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