My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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