Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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