My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
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