are you so shy because you have an std?
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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