I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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