Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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