The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
