Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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