meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
