oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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