Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Randomize
