just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Randomize
