batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
