I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Randomize
