No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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