I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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