I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Come see our sink grown plant.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
