your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
