I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
