if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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